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I
I know I know, your all dying for something serious now aren't you, well heres a small discussion that shall lightly pass over the serious....
A friend Rachel is working on a major art work, mine is on thoughts, but thats off on a tangent...
Anyway her theme is of a girl disillusioned who turns away from God and in her depressiong following, commits suicide by slashing her wrists in the bath. The irony being that by doing so she rejoins God in Heaven....
As a tangent someone else commented that, 'I thought suicide was a mortal sin so therefore she'd be going to hell not to God anyway'....
So today I sort of briefly raised up the query as to why the bath, her response being that she thought that was the best method to commit suicide by...
My comment in response being that I preferred the idea of 'just ceasing to breathe'....
Hers being that you can't really do that, unless you mean just holding your breath and therefore it isn't suicide...
My response being that you could try suffocation...
She thought that would be too quiet....
'Quiet' 'Quiet' Whats wrong with quiet, surely one might wish to have some quiet and peace and pensive contemplation around one when they die....
She'd rather die 'noisely'....So her ideal method of suicide would be to slash her wrists in the bath, mine to suffocate slowly and in deathly peace and quiet....
Is there a further tangent that I could explore in this....
Perhaps.....
II
What is a suicide attempt?
How does one define it?
It is not always Black
.............And White.
If we think of a suicide attempt we would assume either:
Someone who tried to commit suicide but bottled out at the last minute
Someone who tried to commit suicide but stuffed it up and failed
Someone who tried to commit suicide but someone else saved them from it
......... What then if one 'attempts' (using the word liberally so) suicide but not with the intention to commit it, but perhaps merely to 'sample' it or 'test it out'....
To go through with the motions of a suicide attempt with the intention to pull out at the last minute, not because of sudden fear, but because you do not want to commit suicide....
But that you just want to know that it is there... as though to verify its feasibility as an option... for when true despair falls.... To cover your head under layers of blankets and curl up and think, slowly aware of the shifts in the air, breathing slowing, quickening, not frantic, just peacefully easy, soothingly so, just gently slipping away from bounds, quite content, tasting, sampling, and when that tingle arrives in your brain you slowly pull your head out again to breathe in life... content that you know that you can do that... that you can slip away from life easily without pain... without fuss... without creating a mess... that there is a means out, and by knowing that it is there and easy to do that you are resolved then to go on with life....
III
The problem with suicide is it is so well - permanent.
Wouldn't it be great if you could just snap your fingers instantly, pick a date to return and just cease to exist for a couple of days, maybe 2 months or so if it is really the pits. You see I'm not suicidal, I still want to exist and to have some shot at making a decent life. I haven't lived that much of it yet, I'm just hanging on till next year when things ideally should start going right, I realised early on it wouldn't be till then that I would, and then I plan to actually 'live', do things I want and not be afraid I might hurt or disappoint two sets of caring parental eyes, live up to their hopes. I've promised myself all along the next few years for me, lets see if I can have the guts to do it...
And pulling back now to the original thread... I'm not suicidal but well hey I'd love it if I could just not have to exist for a few days. Like a breath of fresh air that would be... bugger it, things never are ideal, suicide is not temporary, its permanent and I don't think I want to do anything permanent, its not my way, I'm to ethereal for that...
